Tigs's blog

I didn't want to go this morning.

When the alarm went off at 4:30 I didn't want to get up.  It was another night of crappy and too little sleep despite the fact we went to bed at 8:30.

I delayed getting dressed, contemplating going back to bed after Vince left.  So I sat and I read some posts and my email.

A friend posted some before and after pictures that were inspiring to me.  Still, I was tired.  So I went to the bedroom, set the alarm clock for 8:30 and decided to get some more sleep.

The gym will be there tomorrow.

And then I started thinking about how my friend has transformed herself.  Why do I not want to do the same thing?  Or rather, why do I not want to do the work to achieve the same thing?  For months I kept saying I needed to join the gym and now here I was, awake, my things ready, and the only thing stopping me was getting up and putting on my clothes and going out the door.

Still I didn't want to go.  I wanted to sleep.  Unfortunately my mind did not want to be quiet.

I started thinking about how life is just too much work these days.  Then my sweet angel Abby decided she had been quiet enough lately.  I was reminded that no one promised me life would be easy.  The very term living my life means that I've got to be out there, actively involved and working at life every single day.  There is only one thing stopping me from becoming that blob on the couch again and that is getting up and living my life every single day.  Even on the days that it's hard.

And so, I got up, I put on my clothes, I grabbed my mp3 player and my keys and I left for the gym.

I'd love to sit here and say I'm flying high on the endorphins from a workout.  I'm not.  I got on the treadmill for 20 minutes and then I did my upper body weights.  I'm exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally and it's not even 8 am.

But I did get up and move.

I'm trying to remain grateful that I have the energy to run around like a chicken with my head cut off but that is a challenge.

This morning hubby let me "sleep in" 10 extra minutes.  That did little good since I was awake but still laying in bed for those 10 minutes.

After sending him off to work I did a few things on the computer and then went to the gym.  I walked for 15 minutes at 2.5 mph and then did my 3 sets of 15 reps on the triceps (15 lbs still).  Then off to my water class.  I'm not as excited about this instructor as I am the one who does the early morning class and I'm having some issues with those feelings which I'll discuss in a moment.

Noel (one of the gym guys/trainers) said that if I was ready for more work on the machines I just needed to make an appointment and I could start on those.  I'm SO ready for that.  For one...I need to build muscle.  For two, I get to listen to my mp3 player when I'm there which means more time for Harry Potter and any other audio books I decided to indulge in.  I should have made an appointment for tomorrow morning but on the other hand I want to see how adding in the 15 minutes on the treadmill works for me before I add another thing in.

So.  My issue with this instructor.  I hate what I'm about to say but I'm going to say it.  I've done this class with 3 instructors now.  I'm to the point where I'm pretty comfortable with the class and I can do it easily enough that I can get my heart rate up where it needs to be and I'm not so concerned with controlling my body in the water.

The other two instructors play music.  Today's instructor did not.

The other two instructors led the class from land.  Today's instructor was in the water.

The other two instructors changed the class up a lot.  You rarely made it across the pool twice doing the same movement.  Today's instructor had you cross country or jog or bicycle or whatever for at least for me was 6 trips back and forth if not more.

The other two instructors used a mike with the sound system.  This one yelled -- much like a drill sergeant.

The other two instructors demonstrated the moves.  Even if they were the most simple of moves.  Today's instructor mostly sat in the water and for about 25% of the time was actually moving in the water with us.

The other two instructors were relatively fit women.  Today's instructor was larger than me.

Class went SO slow.  Part of it was the lack of music.  Part of it was the lack of change in our movements.  Part of it was me thinking "No wonder she's so big...she doesn't even try to challenge us."

I hate thinking negatively about other fat people.  That doesn't mean I didn't do it.  

I had noticed on Friday that the women of this talked non-stop.  In the other class the instructor would say "if you can sing more than a line of the song, you aren't working hard enough", which I totally agree with.  I was bothered a bit by the fact that these women were chatting all class long and most of the time not even changing movements when the instructor called out a new move.  Then I found out that she's only the instructor on Friday.  

Now after being in what is the Monday and Wednesday instructors class I understand why.  Unless I forced it on myself I didn't get out of breath.  There was no encouraging to make it a little harder.  There was no "if you want to take it to the next level try this" from the instructor.

I am going to suggest to the instructor on Wednesday that she bring music.  I'm also going to share my observations with someone at the Y who might be able to do something about it.  I'm not going for an hour three times a week to get my swimsuit wet.  I want a work out and I want an instructor who can provide that to me.  I'm sorry but I don't think this woman can.

She'd be great for a gentle movement class but this is supposed to be a serious cardio work out and I don't think she can lead that kind of class.

Now someone tell me I'm not an ass because I feel like a real fat hater right now.

So yesterday my boss comes into the office.  I've been sick this week and the first thing she exclaimed what how great I looked.

Uhm.  Okay.  I didn't think I had played up how sick I was but whatever.  I went on with my day.

Today I decided that I was not going to get up at 5 am 3 days a week to exercise.  It makes my day too long and I have to go to bed too early.  So the 8 am class it was.  I could go to bed at a more normal time.  Have an hour or so after Vince leaves to do whatever in the morning and then head out to the gym.  I'd do my triceps before because it would be nearly time to open the office by the time I showered and life would be good.

Unfortunately I did not make this decision until the alarm went off this morning at 4:45.  I told Vince I was going to do the 8 am class and tried to go back to sleep.  And I laid there for the next hour plus trying to go back to sleep.  I remember when I was the queen of sleep and could sleep anywhere any time.  These days, not so much.

So I get up with him, make his lunch, put on my swim suit and putter around the house.  I leave for the gym and go upstairs.  I have plenty of time.  30 minutes to do 3 sets of 15 reps.  Perfect.  No rushing.  Love it.

Then I see the W's.  I love that couple.  We visited for a while and they told me that I was looking really good and they can both see in my face that I'm starting to change just from the two weeks I've been going to the gym.  We chatted some more, turns out that his sister is a plastic surgeon here in the area.  I'll be needing her services at some point so it's nice to know someone who knows a plastic surgeon.

So, for the last few days my scale at home has been saying 341.8-341.9.  Every. Single. Time.  I'm like...this must be broken.  But I did mention to the W's that I think I've dropped a few pounds.  Then I excuse myself to get to my class.

I hit the scale, sure that I've put on a couple of pounds because, hello, sick = bored eating.  I tried not to but some times I just didn't make it.

I plopped the bar to 350 and it went clunk.  It took me a few seconds to realize it had clunked in the "Uh...too much" way rather than the "hahahahahahaha...you think you are that little?" way.  Trust me.  The two clunks make different sounds.  Plus you know, the whole pointer going in the other direction is a hint.

So I slid it down to where I was the last time.  That old pointer is still sitting firmly and not moving.  I kept scooting the bar down and I'll be damned if I wasn't weighing 342.75 on the doctor type scale at the gym.

I practically floated down to the pool.  Where I learned that the class that is advertised all over the building as an 8 am class, is really an 8:15 class.  Not a huge deal but it means that I have to shower super fast and go to work with wet barely combed hair.

I think this time is going to be a better fit for me.

I have to remember that the weight comes off if I just get up and move.  I know I've learned this lesson before but I guess I need to learn it again.

I can't tell you how tempted I was to just skip today since I was already a day behind but I'm so glad I didn't.  I love going to the gym.  I love working on my triceps and getting out of breath in my classes.  I love feeling energized and renewed.  Its such a great way to start my day.

I need to find more time to spend in the gym.  What I really need to start doing is loving the treadmill so I don't have to go to a class.

It's time for new affirmations.

I enjoy the time I spend walking on the treadmill.  
I enjoy listening to my mp3 player while I stretch my legs and feel my heart and lungs work in unison to bring me the healthier body I desire.  
I find it easy to make time to go to the gym and spend time walking.  
When I spend time walking on the treadmill I refresh my spirit while at the same time I take care of my body.
Making time for myself to walk on the treadmill is my treat to myself when I've had a hard day.

I say again...OW!

At least I know I'm working those triceps!!!

Today was my deep water class and then 3 sets of 15 reps at 15 lbs on the triceps.  We also did some tricep work in class so...ow!

That's right muscle...you build!!

The real scale (as opposed to my fake scale at home) says today is 346.5

I feel like I've been at a near run all day long.

Today started at 3:50 am.  After making Vince's breakfast and lunch I decided I'd snooze for just a few more minutes before heading off to class.  I did manage to get up with the alarm and made it to class on time but I think I'm going to try to hit the gym at close to 5:00.  I cut it pretty close and barely had time to strip off my clothes.

I realized at the end of class that I had somehow managed to put my swimsuit on with the cups in the back.  Lucky for me the back is high enough that you couldn't see it but I'm sure at least one person noticed my bulges.

Class was great.  I got to watch the sun rise as I floated around which was a little bit cool.  I'm not getting the intensity I need at this point because I'm busy learning how to control my body in the water.  It turns out that your legs naturally want to make swimming motions so if I don't concentrate before I know it I'm kicking my legs instead of jogging/cross country skiing/doing the eggbeater/or any of the other things we do.  Nice group of people.  Everyone was smiling and that was a nice way to start the day.

After I showered and whatnot I went to the gym to get my card signed off.  I had decided that I wasn't willing to wait three weeks to start some strength training so I had the trainer who was on today (Beth) show me how to use the tricep machine (whatever it's called).  I did 3 reps of 15 with 20 lbs.  It kicked.my.ass.  In a good way.  I'm not sore now, we'll see what tomorrow brings.  Can someone smarter than me tell me if its okay to do that every day.  My brain is saying I'm supposed to take a day off but that doesn't seem right.  I wouldn't mind doing that one exercise every day.  These bat wings must go!!

Did some great ab work in the pool.  Very excited about that.  I'm thinking that once I know the moves and can remember them I'll hit the pool at 5 am and do a few sets of those.  Of all the things on my body that I want to change first it's my huge stomach (no I'm not putting myself down, it is huge) and second are my bat wings.  Most of the rest of me just needs to lose fat and get toned but those are two areas that need major work.

I was struck again today at how much weaker my left leg is than my right.  My left side is the herniated disc side.  I've known for years that it was weaker but today we did only one exercise where we held one leg still and did a movement with the other and then switched.  I did it easy enough with my right leg but my left leg lacks so much strength that it was a real challenge.  I suppose that's something else I can combat with the strength training but its not something I'll focus on.

The other thing I noticed was when people got out of the pool.  Several women were wearing the skirted suits, which I had considered myself.  I almost expected to be embarrassed of myself (and my thighs) when I got out of the pool but I realized later that I hadn't felt ashamed at all.  This is my body today.  This isn't my body forever and while I'm not about to flaunt my thighs around, I didn't feel like I should hide them.

I remember a few years ago someone asked me why I didn't wear pants in the summer.  I told them that no one should be forced to look at my bare legs and wearing pants was my personal punishment for being fat.  If I was going to be fat I'd be covered and be hot as a penance.

Have you ever heard anything so stupid in your life??

To tell the truth you still aren't going to see me in shorts but these days that has more to do with the shorts not being available in the style I'd prefer in my size.  I like the more trouser looking type shorts..and of course a longer inseam.  Trouser style pants are hard enough to find in my size...forget shorts.  If I did find them I'd pay an arm and a leg and considering how little use I'd get out of them...no thanks.  I'm not wearing shorts in the office and once the office is closed there's not much left of the day so...yeah.  Not this year anyway.

Weighed myself on the scale at the gym today.  A real doctor type scale.  On any given day you can step on my scale 6 times and get at least 4 different readings so I've never fully trusted it but it was what I had.

Yesterday it said 349.  Today it said 347.

Here's a fun thing I learned a while back.  It was either at Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers.  If you are feeling particularly down about the change in numbers lately and have access to a doctor scale, set the scale to where you were when you started.  Then inch it slowly down to your current weight.  Don't slide it fast...inch it down like you really aren't sure if you should go to the next pound.  I promise you that this visual will help break through any slump you are feeling like you are in.  This becomes extra cool when you get to move the big slider down.   When you see where the scale really was compared to where it is now...what an ego boost!  And its all the better because you know YOU made those changes.

Ok that's enough rattling on for now.  Back to work with me.

Now someone slap the tuba player because he's way too loud.

yeah, don't try to make sense of that...it doesn't make any.

The point is that after quite some time of not making the time to exercise I'm back to it.  I finally joined the YMCA like I've been wanting to do.

I'm going much too early in the morning so I don't have the excuse that I have other things to do.  It is my hope that the gym won't be as full at those times or if it is they'll also be serious about exercising and not have the time to look at me gasping for air like a landed fish.

Today was good.  15 minutes on the recumbent bike and 15 minutes on the treadmill.  I'm sort of working with a trainer but not.  The Fit Start program is included in the membership fee.  I get to meet with a trainer 4 times in a 12 week period.  First we do cardio, then we add in strength training and then we add in something else or maybe tweak it and the last appointment you see how you are doing and set new goals or something like that.

My current plan is this.  MWF in the gym.  For now I'll be doing cardio there but eventually I want to be doing mostly strength training on those days.  Tu & Th I'm doing Water Yoga and if that doesn't work out then I'll do an earlier water class called Cross Training.  I might throw in a Saturday class or maybe an evening class...I have yet to decide.

I'm hoping to drag my husband along with me in the future to do some water classes together.  I think we'd have fun and we'd be able to work at our own levels while exercising together.  I'm not holding my breath on that issue though.

So that's about that.  Currently at 346.1  The camera is all funked up or I'd be posting pictures.  Honestly not a lot of change from the last time I posted them in October except my hair is longer.

I have added a new tool to the arsenal.  It's a book called The Insulin Resistance Diet.  It teaches you to balance carbs and proteins.  It's not a low carb thing, its just learning to eat foods in the right proportions so as to keep your insulin levels at a more steady pace rather than having high highs and low lows.  It's been a little tricky to cut back on the carbs but I am slowly learning to eat more protein and veggies.  Fruit is never a problem.  I enjoy fruit!

I've got something my mind today...that thing being my weight.

I don't even want to say I'm disappointed with myself because I'm not.  I'm something but it's not disappointed.  To say that would negate what I have manged to do in the past several months and that is to not gain.  Since October I've slowly lost 10 lbs.  It's not a lot but its not a gain and I feel like I need to give myself credit for something.

I could sit here and think about all the things I could have done better.  I could have eaten less of this or that.  I could have exercised more.  I could have tried harder.  I didn't.  Part of me thinks that is okay.

If I were still on track I would be 91 lbs lighter instead of 50.9.  I've been coasting for several months but I've decided that this isn't a race.  There is no prize for finishing fast.  The prize is for finishing at all.  If that happens in 2 years or 10 years the point is that it happens.  The main thing is that I'm not getting bigger.

I'm excited for the gym but I'm not excited in the way that you get excited for school to start.  I had no problem sleeping last night knowing that today I was going.  It's just another thing on my list of things to do.  I get up.  I shower.  I clean house.  I go to the gym.  I work.  I make dinner.  They are all just things.  All of it combined is a life that is being lived.

When you come down to it, that's the point.  I'm living.  I'm not waking up and waiting for the day to end so I can go back to sleep.  I'm out there.  I'm doing, living, learning and being.

The weight will come off.  In the meanwhile I will read my affirmations.  I will H.A.L.T. before I eat (most of the time).  I will balance proteins with carbs.  I will get on the scale every morning and love myself regardless of the number.  I will continue to embrace life and each day that I'm given and always try to remember that these are my moments.  They are my gift and how I use them is up to me.  And always, always I will remember Abby.  Today would not be possible if not for her.

Another 3 mile with medium resistance pilates band and stretching after.

I'm sure that at some point the two mile marker will come up and I'll be not shocked that I still feel like I can move for another 15 minutes.

I'm sure at some point I'll hear her say "You just did the 3 mile brisk walk." and my reaction will be...duh...rather than "HOLY CRAP!  I did?"

That day is not today.

The number today is 349.3 which is 5.46 lbs behind schedule.

I'm pushing water.  I'm peeing constantly.  I'm going to get caught up and be ahead again.  I just need to get to a loss of 1.64 lbs a week to make it back on track.  I can so do that.

I noticed today after missing exercise yesterday that my brain feels clearer when I'm walking.  I spent yesterday feeling muddled.  Not depressed, just not able to think quite as clearly as I was the day before.

How many bones have you broken? Yours or someone else's?

None and I hope to keep it that way.

I got to doing stuff and forgot to update.

I moved this morning.  I was scheduled to do it yesterday but depression got the better of me and it didn't happen.  So this morning, I moved.  I did my two mile walk with medium resistance band and stretching after.

I moved because I promised myself and Abby that I'd move twice a week starting this week.
I moved because I made my original promise to Abby and even if I have faltered a few times I will keep that promise.
I moved because I know I have self worth and I deserve to be healthy.
I moved because I'm tired of being fat.
I moved because it felt good.
I moved because I'm ready to change.

Today, I moved.